Reflecting backwards, since my recent arrival at age 48, I find it partially foggy yet somewhat clear, like plexiglass that has been cleaned too many times, to collect many youthful moments of what the true Rolf was like. However there is enough presently in this old noggin to confidently come up with a graph of my path along this tricky trail of extroversion and introversion.
I’d say the majority of my mental clay was formed during the 70’s. I did get a lot of comments, either from parents or onlookers, telling me that I had to get over my shyness and stop acting weird. I was labeled as smart, but odd or cowardly. School was commonly brutal as the more outgoing my classmates were, the more I seemed to slink back into a hole to avoid the chaos. Thus my learning was affected, specifically when the teacher would tell me that I needed to either project more like the other students or get my head out of my shoulders. I never thought poorly of myself, and since I was an only child, I had lots of silent moments to reflect on things. I wished the whole world would leave me alone, but it didn’t.
I have always had introverted tendencies. I have cherished and sought out seclusion, like a lizard in a tank with kids tapping on the glass. I have always been able to create magnificent things, conjure inventions, detail new business plans and create logistical treasures that put me in the middle of any outdoor adventure. But that’s when I’m alone. When I’m surrounded by “people chaos” my mannerisms and abilities tend to go with the flow of the water, like a torrent I would be foolish to try and control.
Yet something happened when I hit my teens, as I left the back seat and decided to take the wheel. I suppose I finally got the gist of what my family and society was asking, threatening, me to do. Humor found me the avenue for which I could travel safely through the populace, and I became a ham of sorts. I began telling stories and jokes, making my classmates and friends laugh with my antics. This greatly increased my popularity. On a darker side, I didn’t appreciate critics who didn’t accept my efforts. I was initially a small boy, but had a growth spurt which seemed to go on forever and put me taller than most any other peer I came across. Anyone who didn’t like what I had to offer, got cracked, usually placing me in the principal’s office. But this was ok, as it managed to keep my inner recluse at bay.
For the next 30 or so years, I remained the same, comfortable with crowds, being my own man, and putting myself in some very unique public situations both here and abroad. For whatever reasons I grew into a fine extrovert, and did whatever was necessary to stay away from seclusion and fingers which pointed at any inability to blend in with the crowd. Yet, something in me knew this was terribly wrong. I had placed the real me on a back burner and moved onto another stove.
To bring things up to the present, these last five years have been a pleasure to live, more so than any other year on mental file. And, like so many great comments within the book Quiet, I found a new me, or perhaps an old me is better said. I have dumped the notion of needing to show others that I am unique. The road has been without rest, but step by step I monitor any unconscious efforts which attempt to place me within the crowd of those who strive to be the diamond in the rough. I find the energy required to be worthless and destructive. Long solitary walks through forests, along river and near ocean shorelines, here in Oregon, are my daily meditation. By re-following my heart I have found that my life as an extrovert gave me nothing but fleeting memories for which to look upon. By being true to my introverted self, I have found a stronger conversationalist, a better parent, a more conscious husband, and a more balanced person. I still appreciate a good party of people or a menagerie of faces at an overseas airport. Thus my lines may have merged my course into that of an ambivert, but I find it sad to see that so many are judged as “peculiar”, when the cowardly finger should be reversed on those that lift it.
No comments:
Post a Comment