Invisible.

     In our readings so far, the theme that I was most able to relate to was that of being an introvert. As Susan Cain points out in her book, Quiet, those of us with an introverted personality are not socially dominant. More often than not we are assumed to be antisocial, unfriendly, and sometimes socially unacceptable. Today it is favorable to be outgoing, almost even aggressive. We can’t all be that way, everyone is different. When did it become so wrong to not constantly be in the middle of everything? Why do people treat me like some sort of pariah, when all I have done is keep to myself?

     I have attended three different universities in my college career, a new one each fall, because I can’t seem to fit in anywhere. No matter where I go, or how hard I try to make friends, I don’t connect with people very well. When I do make an effort to meet someone new, or when I am forced to work in a group setting, I always come off as very awkward and uninterested. What people don’t understand is, that’s not the case. I prefer to be thorough in my work and my thoughts, and I do not want to share or discuss that material until I am completely happy with it. For this reason, I often end up getting ignored, even when I do finally speak up. Participation grades outrage me in college classes, because how am I supposed to give any insight to the conversation when there are a dozen other people screaming out half-developed answers and ideas? I cannot talk over them. I would be mortified. And group projects are another one of my particular distastes because I always seem to end up with that partner that thinks he or she is indefinitely correct about everything, so I can’t ever get a word in anyway.

     My troubles as an introvert follow me into my work life as well. Ironically, I wait tables and bartend at a local restaurant. On the slow days where I have just a few regular customers, I love my job. I can provide them all with quality service, and even squeeze in a few minutes to visit with the ones I know fairly well. Sometimes I come across someone passing through or on vacation that has some exciting experiences to share. That is the beauty of a small-town restaurant, it’s quiet and personal. The weekends are a different story. I hate them. The place gets overcrowded, and I seriously have to wade through the tables to wait on people. I have a rather large personal space and quickly lose patience when I am forced to constantly brush up against people and have to all but scream the night’s specials to be heard over the noise.

     I often wonder if I will succeed upon graduation, or if I will be stuck with a low-paying job forever because of my introvertedness. Many employers want that outgoing personality in their employees and I just don’t have it. I can produce high quality, detailed work, but I fear that it will be overlooked because I am not “the right type.” It’s very unsettling to know that my future may be affected by my social awkwardness. These fears have begun to build up into social anxiety, almost to a clinical point. Anymore, I’m almost afraid to express my thoughts even through writing because if people can’t accept me in person, why would they accept me in writing? Over the past few years, I feel like I have become invisible. In high school, I was the captain of my basketball and soccer teams, as well as the varsity club president and a member of the national honors society. Today, I am no one. I am not heard, I am not noticed.