My Personal Journey, Blog #3

                 The main theme of our class and our blog, the journey, applies to my own life rather profoundly. I lost my father before the start of my senior year in high school. I felt quite lost that entire year. I put off college and wanted to follow in his footsteps as a maintenance worker. Two months after graduation, I sat in the parking lot at Toshiba for my first job, a building where my father used to work at when it was Westinghouse three decades before. It was there, looking at the smoke stacks and the clock flashing 5:30 A.M. and a 12 hour day ahead of me that I decided I had made a big mistake. School always came quite easily to me but I had wanted to model myself after my dad. I would enroll in college the following year.

                After attaining a 4.0 GPA my freshman year at a junior college, I had been accepted to Holy Cross in South Bend, Indiana. It had always been my dream to play football for Notre Dame and with good grades, I could easily transfer from Holy Cross to Notre Dame and at least get my chance to try out for the team. Alas, I abandoned my childhood dream because I was in love with a local girl and I opted to stay in town. After a bad breakup with her, I began to drink heavily and my grades slipped badly. Despite being only 15 credits shy of graduation in 2008, I dropped out of school and still can’t recall much of my life those final two years of college. I continued to struggle for several years after, piecing together one low paying job after another. I didn’t have the money to relocate for better career opportunities and my student loan debts went into default.

                After receiving numerous lawsuits over the loans, I panicked and nearly committed suicide due to my financial situation, my drinking problem and general despair over failing at so many plans I had made before my father’s death. I somehow pulled through, first cutting way back on alcohol and then working two full time jobs. It was pure hell for those two years, especially with all the money I made going towards paying off my creditors. While my issues were finally clearing up some, my 30^th birthday hit me hard and I knew I had to make drastic changes. I enrolled in one online class, hoping to force myself to re-enroll and finish my degree.

                This semester is my first return to college in many years. After doubting if I would ever be able to return and finish my degree, I rolled the dice and enrolled for 18 credits. While I am still a bit nervous of what the year will bring, I feel relieved for the first time in nearly a decade and can see light at the end of the tunnel. I am still furious with myself every day for so many horrible life decisions and I still wait for something else to knock me back down. I know my older brother has been very disappointed in me but has never said anything, I hope after this spring term to make him proud of me for the first time in a long while. I do hope that my journey will get a little easier going forward.